November 28, 2012
Perhaps, like me, you’ve opened your child’s take-home folder one day and find a white envelope with your name written on the outside. Unsuspecting, you open it and find a copy of the Lower School Stop, Think and Plan form which details an incident involving your student making poor choices on the playground which led to hurtful words and actions. Perhaps then, like me, you begin calmly asking your student what happened only to have them reply, “I don’t know,” or “I don’t remember.” As your questions continue, the volume of your voice (as well as your blood pressure) begins to rise. Ultimately, you give up the calm approach and say to your child, “You know better! Words should not be used to hurt people.” Or my personal favorite, “What were you thinking?” The conversation ends with you sternly telling your child you never want to receive another one of these forms again!
Although I have removed any names to protect the identity of my children, I’m certain this scene has a sense of familiarity to Lower School families. I must confess that before I began working in the Lower School, I had a preconceived notion that when a Stop, Think and Plan form arrived home in what I referred to as the “envelope of doom,” it was a direct reflection on my parenting skills. However, now that I have had the opportunity to administer the forms on numerous occasions, I am proud to say I have learned to not fear the Stop, Think and Plan form, but instead to appreciate the opportunity it gives me as a parent to talk with my children about making mistakes, which we all do.
From making healthy food choices at lunch to following teacher directions in the classroom, our students make hundreds of good decisions every day. Unfortunately, as parents we sometimes focus on the mistakes our children make, often forgetting that these mistakes are an important part of the learning process. Although hearing about your child’s mistakes can be one of the hardest aspects of parenting, watching them learn from their mistakes can be one of the most rewarding.
The Stop, Think and Plan form was designed with the goal of helping students recognize where their choices and behavior went awry. When a student has made a poor choice, the teacher or I will take time to coach the student through the situation and complete the Stop, Think and Plan form. The process of completing the form helps the student focus on what happened and how they contributed to the problem. Once the student and the adult have summarized what transpired, the focus shifts to how the student can react differently the next time they face a similar situation.
Taking time to help students understand the mistakes they make is a natural part of the learning process. So, when the “envelope of doom” arrives in your student’s folder, please remember that neither your student’s homeroom teacher nor I see these incidents as a reflection on your parenting skills. I hope you stay calm, talk through the situation with your child, and ask them not so much about what they did wrong but what they learned.
– Marina Dale
PreK-8 Assistant Director
