September 12, 2024
from Dr. Bill Hudson, head of school
Many of you have kindly asked how my daughter, Ari, and I are doing. I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness. Ari is diving into her studies and college life and seems to be adjusting well. As for me? I’m still navigating the emotional rollercoaster that comes with dropping your child off at college. Recently, I’ve found myself wishing I had held onto that hug just a little longer. At the time, I tried so hard not to let my anxiety overshadow her excitement. I gave her a typical hug, said I loved her, and walked away. But now, I catch myself wondering if I overreacted or perhaps underreacted. Either way, I’m left questioning how well I managed that moment.
You may hear me mention this transition a few more times because it serves as a reminder: whether your child is starting school for the first time, moving up a grade, joining a new division, or leaving for college, new beginnings are challenging for both children and their parents. Parenting doesn’t become easier as our children grow older—it seems to get even more complex.
The pressure we face as parents has intensified significantly. So much so, that the U.S. Surgeon General recently issued an advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents. According to the advisory, over the past decade, parents have consistently reported higher levels of stress compared to other adults. In 2023, 33% of parents reported experiencing high levels of stress in the past month, compared to just 20% of other adults. Some of the key factors contributing to this include:
- financial strain, economic instability, and poverty;
- time demands;
- children’s health;
- children’s safety;
- parent isolation and loneliness;
- technology and social media; and
- cultural pressures and concerns about their children’s future.
One finding from the advisory particularly resonated with me: “The intensification of a culture of comparison—often fueled by influencers and online trends—creates unrealistic expectations around milestones, parenting strategies, achievements, and status symbols that kids and parents must pursue.”
While the Surgeon General emphasizes the mental health and well-being of parents as an urgent public health concern, there’s more. Parental stress and anxiety are also being transferred to our children in both direct and indirect ways, affecting families and communities across the country.
However, there are steps we can take to mitigate our stress and prevent it from impacting our children. Here are a few lessons I’ve learned along the way:
- Listen more, ask questions, and lecture less. Our instinct as parents is to shield our children from harm or fix problems for them—but sometimes, we need to resist that urge.
- Practice the “parenting pause.” When your child shares something troubling, don’t react right away. Take a breath. Give them space to process.
- Ask yourself, “Is there a cliff involved?” If not, allow your child to experience life’s ups and downs. They’ll learn from both.
- Parent the child you have, not the one you hoped for or dreamed of. Stay away from projecting your own dreams or unresolved experiences onto them. Every child is unique.
- Trust the school. Partner with teachers and staff, communicate regularly and remember that your child may only share part of the story when they describe a situation.
At the start of the school year and during other key moments, it’s normal for students to feel a degree of uncertainty, trepidation, and anxiety. Rather than shielding them from these emotions, it’s important to help them work through and normalize their feelings. For instance, instead of “interviewing for injury” at the dinner table by asking questions like, “Did you have a good day?”, “Did you make any new friends?”, or “Were people nice to you?” try asking more open-ended questions:
- What was the best part of your day?
- Who did you spend time with at recess or lunch?
- What did you learn today?
- How did you show kindness today?
- What was the hardest thing you faced today?
- What made you feel proud?
- What made you smile?
Children are incredibly resilient, and though it’s difficult, one of the best things we can do is to lovingly guide them as they navigate life’s challenges.
I also urge you to prioritize your own well-being. As parents, it’s easy to put ourselves last. But regular exercise, enough sleep, a balanced diet, mindfulness, and activities that bring us joy are key to managing stress. Resist the culture of comparison by setting healthy boundaries, and don’t feel guilty about doing so. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Connect with other parents, be vulnerable, and don’t hesitate to accept support. Finally, take the time to learn about mental health and help to remove the stigma surrounding it.
Above all, know that MPA is here to partner with you on this journey. Thank you to those of you who attended the Middle and Lower School Curriculum Night and I encourage you to attend conferences October 10-11. Thank you for entrusting your children to MPA.
As Alison Gopnik wisely said, “Caring for children shouldn’t be like carpentry, where we aim for a finished product. We should nurture our children as gardeners, guiding them as they grow.”
